The Narrator ( Revised )

This week we revised one script. I chose The Narrator.

Here:
The Narrator. ( Revised )

Tally Man

This week I was asked to create a Character..

Here:
Tally Man.

Space Tommy

This week I was asked to write a Film Parody..

Here:
Space Tommy.



Critique from Class:

It went over quite well.  The main suggestions was to perhaps have Tommy talking to Darth Vader, use the lack of faith, and offending of Tommy.  "What? You saying I don't believe in Space Jesus!?"

Also, they loved Space-Jersey.. wanted to bring that up sooner.

Commercial Parody

This week I was asked to write a Commercial Parody..

Here:
Family Vacation.




Critique from Class:

First, formatting feedback.  No need to have Cut To: if you're changing scenes.. the INT/EXT takes care of that.  use Cut To: if you're staying in the same scene. 

Next, the thoughts were basically that it would be funnier to have the family start to convert to the pirates.  Kids can shoot machine guns, Mom gets seduced by one of the warlords...etc.  Dad is the only one who is having a bad time, tied up, beaten..etc.

Then showing more 'vacation' type things in Somalia..   Like hang-gliding.. dad with a black bag on his head tied up..   floating up in the air behind a boat.  Kids firing AK-47's off the front of the boat..  You know.. real pirate vacations...

I tend to agree.

Trucker Book

Here is the first draft of the second comedy sketch I wrote for the UCB Sketch class 101.

Here:
Trucker Book.




Critique from Class: 

The feedback on this one was to have more of the childish arguments that occur on facebook.

Trucker:
Did you see that article about Isreal!?
Trucker2:
I hate Isreal!
Trucker:
You anti-semetic!

etc...
Also to have some of those..  Which Disney Princess are you!?  Kind of quizzes.

There was also a comment suggesting to better setup the sketch by having a Trucker declare how glad he was they lived in the age of Social Media.

The Narrator

Here is the first draft of my first comedy sketch I wrote for the UCB Sketch class 101.

Here:
The Narrator.





Critique from Class:

The overall idea went over well at the table read.  The basic notes were to have the 'sex-talk' happen later.  And to have the Narrator be too-honest initially.   So Jimmy would be caught in little white-lies and the narrator would say the truth.

BETH:
So your a doctor?

NARRATOR:
Jimmy wasn't REALLY a doctor, but rather a Vetenarian.

JIMMY:
Well it's kind of a doctor! For Pets!

Etc..
The idea is that much more small talk of Jimmy being called out in his white lies would occur before Jimmy blows up at the Narrator and insults his voice or something similar.

THEN the Narrator starts to lie and mess with Jimmy.

As it reads right now its' unclear if Jimmy wants these things to happen, or if the Narrator is actually lying.. so establishing the conflict in the sketch would be funnier.  That and the silly back tracking of the white lies during the small talk would also add some comedy.